Doubts


Full and Complete,
There is nothing to believe,
And nothing to doubt.


During my Journey,
As I chased the dream of “enlightenment”,
Wandering the desert of “myself” in search of Water,
I ate, drank, and breathed doubts.

Doubts about enlightenment,
That this felt sense of “I” would ever vanish,
Could ever vanish.

Doubts about the “enlightened”;
The majority of whom still seem to me a Ship of Fools,
Wounded, broken, shameless, even pathological.

Doubts about the Great Teachings,
As I encountered each along the Way,
So rife with doing and not doing.

Doubts about my ability to do and not do,
To embrace practice and technique,
To exert will and discipline.

Doubts that it was all simply a grand fairytale,
The emotional delusions of devotional types,
Or the conceptualizing of intellectuals, full of hubris.

All so very certain in faith or knowledge,
About that which I could only…
Doubt.

Now… looking back, I see…

Doubts were not the harbingers of despair,
Not demons which hindered and harmed.

They were the shining weapons of my sadhana,
Born of fierce discernment, discrimination,
And an empiricism* that would simply… not… die.

Any view, any Dharma Expression,
That could not withstand their onslaught,
Fell in defeat, no matter how revered by others.

They led me, ultimately, to The Great Mystery,
Where nothing is known,
Nothing is resolved.

They led me, after such a long Odyssey,
To where Absolute Doubt,
Turned to Absolute Surrender.

Where the last breath of hope was whispered,
Where all grasping ceased, and my hands opened,
Where in despair's fruition, I collapsed where I stood.

I could not run back to the verdant forest,
To take refuge in teachers, teachings, and friends,
In the village of the known.

I could not return to the struggle
To know the unknowable,
And resolve all doubts.

There… in the Desert… I fell down,
All strength, all hope, exhausted,
All movement… ceased.

And, dead, at last…
In that most unlikely place…
Blossomed as Life Itself.

Full and Complete,
There is nothing to believe,
And nothing to doubt.

It matters not,
What is true or false,
Here, in this Verdant Desert.



* Hubris: Excessive pride or self-confidence.
* Empiricism: The theory that all knowledge is derived from sense-experience.