A Sad Excuse

I'm a sad excuse for an nondualist.

All the years I saw my nondual teacher,
I went not to gain “understanding”,
Or to follow, again and again,
The tired, cerebral “nondual thread”.

I went to bathe in the Radiance
That emanated from that form.
Yes… from that form.

A shameless dualist?
Not so.

For somehow, impossibly,
Formlessness shone from that form,
Dissolving all it touched, back into Itself,

Including the experiencer, “me”.

Before he even entered the room,
The world dissolved… “I” dissolved,
And all questions vanished.

A shameless “experience” junkie?
Not so.

For the experience of this Relationship,
Was of the experiencer vanishing,
Into That which was being discussed;

Not in concepts presented,
Or thoughts that arose,
Or words which were spoken.

The words spoken; a pretext.
The questions asked; a pretext.
The answers given; a pretext,
For our simply sitting together, bathing in…

The Great Mystery,
That transcended the two of us,
And all duality.

Seeing him caused The Inner Radiance,
That had taken up residence in my Heart,
To Shine suddenly more Brightly.

A Mystical aspect of our Relationship,
Dipped the salt doll of my “self”,
Into the Ocean of Dissolution,
From which emerged, eventually…

Only a handful of Salt Water.

It did not happen through knowledge,
Or understanding,
Or seeing clearly,
Or grasping anything.

It happened through Grace.
The emanation of Nonexistent Existence,
Impossibly, in Manifest Experience,
Dissolving the contraction of self-identity…

In Existence, Consciousness, and Bliss*.

* Not the vapid psychological bliss spoken of by some contemporary nondualists, but the Unalloyed Ecstasy of our Essence, spoken of in the ancient advaitic scriptures.

Only then, looking back,
Did I Understand all that I had heard,
In word, concept, and metaphor,
And knowledge became… Knowledge.

But make no mistake…

I went for the Mystical Light filling the room,
In which I and the world Dissolved.

Shameless, I know.

I went for the Dissipation of endless mentation,
Into Serenity and Peace.

Shameful, I know.

I went for the Dissolving of the salt doll self,
In the Ocean of Unlocatable Aliveness.

How could I?!

I went for the Bliss of Pure Being,
Pouring into manifestation,
Overflowing the Wellspring of my Heart,
From that gentle, frail form… MySelf.

Ponder this mystery, my nondual friends.
For proximity had no meaning in proximity to,
In thoughtful remembrance of,
In heartfelt relationship with,
That gentle, frail form… MySelf.

That's right… I said it… form.

For truly… truly,
Form is Formlessness,
Formlessness is Form.
Nirvana and samsara are One…

“That” and “this” have ceased to exist.

Those are not empty platitudes,
But the Living Teaching I received,
From Formlessness,
In and as that gentle, frail Form…

MySelf.

I'm such a sad excuse for a nondualist.