A Sad Excuse

I'm a sad excuse for an nondualist.

All the years I saw my nondual teacher, Jean,
I went not to gain “understanding”,
Or to follow, yet again,
The “nondual thread”.

I went to bathe in the Radiance
That emanated from that form.
Yes… from that form.

A shameless dualist?
Not so.

For somehow, impossibly,
Formlelssness shone from that form,
And dissolved all that it touched, back into Itself,

Including “me”.

Before he even entered the room,
The world dissolved… “I” dissolved,
And all questions vanished.

A shameless “experience” junkie?
Not so.

For the experience,
Was of the experiencer vanishing,
Into That which was being discussed;

Not in concepts,
Thoughts,
Words.

The words were a pretext.
The questions a pretext.
The answers a pretext,
For our simply sitting together, bathing in…

The Great Mystery,
That transcended the two of us,
And all duality.

Seeing Jean caused the Divine Presence,
That had already taken up residence in my Heart,
To shine more brightly.

Some Mystical aspect of our Relationship,
Dipped the salt doll of my “self”,
Into the Ocean of Dissolution,
From which emerged, eventually…

Only a handful of Ocean.

It did not happen through knowledge,
Or understanding,
Or seeing clearly,
Or grasping anything.

It happened through Grace.
The emanation of Formless Awareness,
In and as Manifest Awareness,
Dissolving the contraction of self-identity,
In Satchitananda…

In Existence, awareness of existing, and Bliss.

Only then, looking back,
Did I Understand all that I had heard,
In word, concept, and metaphor,
And knowledge became… Knowledge.

But make no mistake…

I went for the translucent Light that filled the room,
And in which my Entire Being Dissolved.

Shameless, I know.

I went for the Dissipation of endless mentation,
Into Serenity and Peace.

Shameful, I know.

I went for the Dissolution of acute Attention,
Into Unlocatable Aliveness.

How could I?!

I went for the Bliss of Pure Being,
Pouring into manifestation,
Overflowing the Wellspring of my Heart,
From that gentle, frail form… Myself.

Ponder this great mystery, my nondual friends.
For this benediction happened in physical proximity to,
In thoughtful remembrance of,
In heartfelt relationship with,
That gentle, frail form… Myself.

That's right… form.

For truly… truly,
Form is Formlessness,
Formlessness is Form.
Nirvana and samsara are One…

“That” and “this” have ceased to exist.

Those are not empty platitudes,
But the Living Teaching I received,
From Formlessness,
In and as that gentle, frail Form…

Myself.

I'm such a sad excuse for a nondualist.